Table of Contents
What is love? #
As is the case with most attempts to define an emotion, the answer will vary depending on whom you ask. Throughout history there have been many philosophers, psychologists, poets, and writers who have tried to create a definition of it, just to name a few examples:
For Robert Sternberg, love is the combination of three components whose different configurations generate types of love such as romantic, fraternal, companionate, consummate love, etc.:
- Intimacy: sense of closeness and union;
- Passion: romantic and sexual desire;
- Commitment: decision to love and willingness to maintain that love.
Zick Rubin said love is an affective state defined by three measurable elements:
- Attachment: emotional security and comfort with the other person;
- Care: active concern for the well-being of the loved one;
- Intimacy: emotional closeness and self-disclosure.
In Erich Fromm's view, love is an active and creative power in the human being, rather than a mere feeling. It is an act of giving based on active concern for the life and growth of the other. It requires four pillars:
- Care: attention to the beloved's development;
- Responsibility: capacity to respond to their needs;
- Respect: recognition of their individuality;
- Knowledge: deeply understanding the other.
I am neither a writer nor a philosopher, much less a poet or psychologist, but I believe I can define love in far fewer words than the authors mentioned above: my mother.
Who is my mother? #
This is an even more difficult question to answer than the previous one; it's impossible to fully know another person, and often we don't even manage that with ourselves, yet I will do my best to answer this question from my perspective.
Childhood and Development #
It is fitting to begin with a bit of her past: my mom was born on May 31, 1960 in [redacted], daughter of [redacted] and [redacted], one of six siblings from that marriage, which ended in failure and eventually brought a stepmother into her life. This was not the only reason but certainly a very important factor in why my mother experienced a harsh and difficult childhood, some of us even think cruel, one of those childhoods that tend not only to shape physical, mental, and emotional development but also leave deep marks on the soul.
That childhood drove my mom to leave home at an early age, around 16 or 17 years old if I recall correctly. Despite facing many difficulties and deprivations, she fought with an unbreakable will to move forward.
By good or bad luck, or perhaps because life is complicated, her independence did not mark the end of her struggles. A couple of years after living on her own, she became a mother when she gave birth to my older brother, whose father either wouldn't or couldn't get involved. Despite this, my mom once again managed to move forward through sheer effort and hard work.
Youth and Independence #
Years passed, and my mom continued to be a victim of abuse and hardship, but despite it all she never gave up, never stopped working and striving to get ahead, both for herself and to give my older brother the best life possible.
I have heard several people say that my mom was very hardworking, extremely intelligent, capable, and of strong values; she excelled at her jobs and handled tasks that sometimes even two or three people could not accomplish.
Through a lot of work and effort, my mom managed to buy an apartment in [redacted], furnish it, and create a home where she could raise my older brother, maintaining that independence for many years until she eventually met the man who would become my father, with whom she first had my sister and then me.
Middle Age and Life at Home #
Although they had many ideological differences and challenges in their relationship, my mom stopped working and devoted herself to taking care of us, her children. This was very difficult for her, as she was a strong, hardworking, intelligent, and above all independent woman; nonetheless, she accepted it for the sake of our well-being.
From that moment on she dedicated her body, mind, and soul to caring for us. I'm sure it was not an easy task, life can be complicated and present many challenges in our daily lives. We moved from the apartment to a city where she didn't know anyone and had no relatives. She wanted to go back to work but didn't, both to take care of us and because my father didn't agree.
I know she had a period where she was very depressed, profoundly unhappy, and felt trapped. On more than one occasion I saw her cry in silence, bearing and enduring so much pain within her by herself. Despite all this, she never showed us any weakness, protected us from every adversity that arose, met each of our needs, and was always there to listen and give advice.
In Summary #
My mom is a person who has suffered much, but despite all that pain and suffering has never stopped looking out for her family and others, has shown incredible strength, and an even greater love.
My Mother and I #
I don't think I was a particularly rebellious or difficult child, but I also don't believe I was easy to raise. For reasons I don't know, I have a personality that many might define as cold or curt, and my mom, being the very definition of love, suffered greatly because of the way I expressed myself: my "coldness" or emotional distance, and my lack of tact in saying things. Maybe it's a "fool's consolation", but at least I have the peace of mind of knowing that I never said or did things intending to hurt her, although it's clear I definitely hurt her on many occasions.
Nowadays I am an adult, a couple of years older than my mother was when she had me. I recall my past and realize that I have lived a privileged life, protected from so much pain, abuse, and suffering thanks to her. Now I can understand, even if only a little, the immense sacrifice she made for us, her children; she gave us her desires, her dreams, and her hopes. She has given me her absolute, complete, and unconditional love every single day of my life, and I am certain that not only to me, but also to my siblings and to my father, she gave the same.
For that reason, it is so easy for me to answer the initial question "what is love?". Without a doubt, my mom: a woman with so much love that, despite such deep wounds, has never ceased to love, who did not continue a cycle of abuse and instead gave us immeasurable care and protection.